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The Osbournes
Twenty years ago, I sat in the passenger seat of my best friend's 1979 mustang hatchback listening to a compilation tape of Black Sabbath and Ozzy Osbourne. "Paranoid" and "Crazy Train" blasted through the speakers as we drove toward the shopping mall in the middle of the afternoon. We ditched class to go to the mall and shoplift clothes. We smoked cigarettes and drank Dr. Pepper. Some times we got high. We had punk rock hair cuts (a.k.a. "rocker mullets") and wore Vans. We stole hundreds of dollars of merchandise from Joske's, an upper-middle class department store anchored at the northwest corner of the shopping mall. We threw pimento cheese sandwiches at people's cars and laughed until we almost peed. We were stoned out of our minds. "War Pigs" fueled the fire. We raided liquor cabinets when we babysat, taking great delight in getting loaded and blasting Ozzy on the high-fi in our parent's friend's suburban homes. We never got caught. Not once. But we were small time. Who's to say what level of delinquency we could have achieved if we'd had a stadium full of fans cheering us on like Ozzy has?
MTV's recent reality/sit com offering "The Osbournes" give us all a brief glimpse of Ozzy's delinquency come full circle. Camera crews moved into the home of Ozzy and his family for six months, filming constantly. The only rooms off-limits were the bathrooms and the master suite. Ozzy's wife, Sharon and his two children, Kelly and Jack appear in the episodes. They have an older daughter, Amy, who declined to participate. The show is at once hilarious and daunting. But, make no mistake about it- it's the best thing to hit television since the Sopranos. The show is one part reality show and one part situation comedy, primarily due to camera edits. This allows for a storyline to be developed during each episode. Mind you, the storylines aren't far reaching. But, they are entertaining nonetheless. Who knew that one could find such amusement at watching Ozzy replace the trash bag in the kitchen garbage can?
It's true. The show is chokfull of the family doing everyday things, except they generally tend to curse more than the average person. And then there's also some not so everyday things like when Sharon throws a baked ham at the neighbors because they are playing oldies music on an acoustic guitar at two in the morning. Some of the most hilarious spots involve Ozzy and Sharon interacting with each other. In one episode Sharon wants to call in a special pet psychiatrist because her new dogs are sh$%$#g all over the house. Ozzy, clearly appalled at the idea, tells Sharon, "You don't need a f*&*ing pet psychiatrist, you need to get up at f&*ing 7:00 o'clock in the f^&^cking morning and let them out to shit!" The ultimate funny had to be when Ozzy appears at a concert sound check to see bubbles raining down from the ceiling. Sharon, who as Ozzy's business manager arranged for the bubbles, gets an earful from Ozzy. "Sharon!! What's going on with the f&*^ing bubbles? I can't have f&*^ing bubbles at my show! I'm the f&*^ing Prince of Darkness for Christ's sake!!" As for Ozzy's progeny, they are about the same age I was when I started listening to Ozzy. It's mainly funny just to watch Ozzy and Sharon interact with them. It's obvious that raising teenagers is just as difficult for Ozzy and Sharon as it is for the rest the world.
Just as we are about to think that Ozzy has gone soft, that he is a pliable everyman for the MTV generation, Episode 7 shows us the dark side of the Osbourne's. Ozzy apparently gets loaded and ruins Thanksgiving. Then he goes off in a huff to a concert appearance in Chicago, telling the rest of the family not to show up because he doesn't want them there. Despite these dark tones, there are some hilarious moments as well. Such as Ozzy repeatedly knocking over the dog bowl when he sits at the kitchen counter. This culminates with Ozzy throwing a huge fit, which is highly entertaining. In prior episodes, we only see a "nanny" who assists the Osbourne's with daily activities and chores. This episode reveals household help galore, showing Thanksgiving dinner being brought in and prepared by help. It also shows a rather stout fellow loading Ozzy's bags as he leaves for his concert engagement. We are reminded with these scenes that the Osbournes are not the Simpsons. They are rock-n-roll celebrities, which in America is tantamount to royalty. Of course, at the end of the episode the family is together. Sharon and the kids fly out to Chicago to surprise Ozzy for his birthday. He welcomes them, but we are left to wonder if it is only because there is an audience watching?
As a teenager it never occurred to me that rock stars had normal lives. I assumed that the magic that they created in my life, blasting from the stereo in my friend's '79 Mustang hatchback, was everlasting. I assumed that rock stars pushed the limits everyday, feeling that rush of excitement that comes from getting high and engaging in subversive recreation. I suppose many of them try to sustain the euphoria, but they rarely succeed. VH1's "Behind The Music" has taught everyone that. What MTV has done with this series is take it a step further. It doesn't show us some lame expose of MC Hammer, who didn't know how to manage his money and spent it all on cars and mansions. It shows us a real person, who despite having bit the head off a bat and a dove, has survived three decades of a very hard rock lifestyle. And has done so with his family intact. Yes, the kids are a little on the spoiled and bratty side, but so is Ozzy. What else would you expect? For his part Ozzy hangs on, though clearly the years of hard living have taken their toll. Ironically, it's television, not a rock arena, that is bringing Ozzy his largest audience. Episode 6 reported over 6 million viewers. People are just as interested in watching Ozzy as an aging, burnt-out rocker Dad as they are watching him perform on stage-- maybe more so. His audience clearly reaches beyond former juvenile delinquents like myself, spanning a healthy range of the highly coveted 18-35 demographic.
MTV reports that the ratings for the show have surprised everyone, topping "The Real World", their banner offering. Negotiations are underway for a possible second season. Although nothing has been confirmed, the sweeping success of the show should be reason enough to expect more top-notch entertainment from the Osbournes. Let's hope it continues for another round, and spare us the copycats. I can't imaging another celebrity family having the wit of the Osbournes. Opining on the family's previous residence, living next to the likes of Pat Boon and Meatloaf, Ozzy blissfully recalled that they were both excellent neighbors: "Meatloaf. Pat Boon. Ozzy Osbourne. It was like a f&*^ing Satan Sandwich." Can you imagine such banter from anyone else?
The Osbournes air on MTV Tuesday nights 9:30 p.m. CT.
